A child comes into being long before they are here, long before they are in your arms. This applies not only physically through a pregnancy where egg and sperm meet, becoming an embryo, a fetus, an infant—but just as much psychologically in the minds of those who desire the child. This is particularly evident when help is needed to achieve it.
Singles or couples who need fertility assessment and treatment have often spent a long time considering what it means to become a parent. As a single woman, there are many considerations regarding becoming a single mother when a partner has not appeared in one’s life.
As a lesbian couple, one must seek help for the male component but may not have an obvious candidate. As a heterosexual couple, one has typically tried for a long time through regular intercourse without success, or perhaps experienced loss along the way. It may also be that one is limited due to, for example, illness.
As a gay couple, one must take alternative routes, such as using surrogacy, which is also often a demanding process—and help may still be needed if sperm quality is low.
When the Dream Does Not Come True
For many, wanting a child is a natural and deep dream—a dream that carries hope, love, and visions of a future as a parent. But when the dream does not immediately come true, reality can become harsh, and it affects us deeply as human beings.
For some, the journey starts with trying at home, full of excitement and expectation, but with every negative test, disappointment draws closer. Suddenly, what is considered natural (perhaps even expected) is not so simple. It complicates life, and difficult emotions can emerge. One is in an involuntary state of waiting, and the more time that passes, the more difficult it can be to maintain faith and hope.
When referred for a fertility assessment, it can feel like both a relief and a new challenge. Now something is happening, now there is help, many think. But at the same time, questions may continue to arise:
- Why is it not succeeding?
- Is it my fault?
- Am I doing something wrong?
- Has something been overlooked?
- How far am I willing to go?
- Can I handle it if I am doing this alone?
- What if I regret it?
- How do I explain it to my child later?
Doubt, guilt, and feelings of shame can creep in, and for some, it becomes difficult to speak openly about it. This also applies to couples. One partner might handle the frustration by going into solution mode, closely reading research and trying to optimize with every possible measure, while the other withdraws in silence or throws themselves into other areas of interest and appears more unaffected.
Even the Strongest Relationship Can Be Challenged
Suddenly, it can feel as though you are no longer on the same page in the process, but in separate emotional spaces. This can challenge even the strongest relationship.
Time feels like an enemy, and it can be hard to find peace. Many experience stress and subsequently become afraid of that stress—wondering if it is what affects the body and prevents success?
Whether one is single or in a couple, the waiting period is one of the hardest parts. Every month, every treatment, every time hope rises—and perhaps is crushed again. It is also not enough to become pregnant; the pregnancy must also hold, and losing one, especially an early pregnancy, is relatively common.
Grief, frustration, inadequacy, anger, envy, and powerlessness are examples of emotions that easily surface, and it is not uncommon to feel lonely and perhaps misunderstood, even when surrounded by love from others.
Involuntary infertility and fertility treatment are becoming increasingly common, but that does not make it emotionally easier. Research shows that being in this process over time is emotionally very taxing and stressful, and there is an increased risk of developing anxiety and depression, especially in women.
Struggling to have a child is not just a physical process; it also touches upon one’s psyche, sense of identity, relationships, and view of life.
- How long must I endure?
- What does it mean for me/us if a child never comes?
- How do I handle social gatherings with children and questions from family and friends?
- What can the meaning of life be if it never succeeds?
- Why am I reacting in a way that I don’t want to?
These and other questions can feel overwhelming and isolating, and this is where psychological support is important.
Get Psychological Help to Move Forward
I am a licensed clinical psychologist with specialized knowledge in involuntary infertility and fertility treatment.
I know what it means to go through this process—both professionally and personally. Fortunately, some succeed quickly after receiving help—but it is not uncommon for it to be a long process, for some lasting several years, where one is forced to make many considerations along the way and boundaries change.
What may be helpful in the beginning is not necessarily the same thing one needs later. I can help you navigate the emotional ups and downs, support you in finding balance in your relationship, contribute concrete knowledge about fertility treatment, and be by your side during considerations and any decision-making processes along the way.
Regardless of where you are in the process—whether you have just started or have been through several treatments—it makes a difference to have a safe space where you can feel and express everything, a place to discuss thoughts, and help to find ways to contain and manage, as well as peace and support to endure what you are going through—this can be crucial for maintaining hope and resilience along the way.
About Psykologhuset Enigma
We have assembled a team of experienced psychologists who offer professional treatment to a wide range of clients. Our two locations are situated in Hillerød and Copenhagen K.
We offer therapeutic treatment to adults for a variety of issues, as well as to children, adolescents, families, and couples. We have specialized further in trauma and crisis reactions.
We recognize that every individual is unique, and therefore we see it as a strength that we, as psychologists at Psykologhuset Enigma, also bring diversity into our work. Our different backgrounds and approaches allow us to apply various theories and methods when meeting each individual client. This variation ensures that you can always find a psychologist who is a good fit for you and your therapeutic needs.
Our high ethical standards and thoroughness are your guarantee of professional treatment that not only helps you now but also prepares you to handle future challenges more effectively.
